My kavannah.

“What is your intention? For what purpose are you living your life?”

Last night, these questions were posed to me. Speechless, my mind raced as tears sprung to my eyes. Drawing a blank as white and expansive as miles of snow covered fields, all I could think was: I have no intention. I have no purpose.

I thought of all the answers people could have for these queries. If I stole any of them, it would be dishonest. I acknowledged that. I am not sure I am here to raise children, be selfless and devote my life to taking care of someone else. My goal is not to save the world, to make it better for the next generation. I can’t even say confidently that my journey is all for me, because I’m certainly not living just for number one. What other intentions are there? My panic was evident on my shitty poker face.

As I admitted through silent tears that I may not have a purpose, he rephrased: “Well, why are you here?”

Whew, this one was a bit easier. This one I’ve considered before. I’m here to be okay. I’m here for him to tell me I’ll be okay.

He pushes further, as usual. “But what does it mean to want to be okay?” Blank. “It means you want to be a good person. Your kavannah is to be a good person.” Really? And better yet, my what?

Kavannah means to act and to live with intentionality and consciousness. Kavannah reminds you that you are part of the whole cosmic tapestry of being, your actions matter… aka cause and effect… aka karma. Fuck. Convergence really scares me. Why does everything have to come together, come full circle?

Honestly? Call it intention, call it purpose, call it kavannah. I just want to be okay. I just want it all to be okay.

m1

Code Red.

I guess if karma is real, I am currently staring down the possibility of my own. I have convinced myself that if God does exist, He is a loving God, not a vengeful and punishing God. But then again, I have convinced myself of many things and been wrong before. This time, anything can happen. This time, it’s anyone’s guess.

Almost two years wasted being judged, questioned, forced to defend my every word, action, thought. Misinterpreted at every turn, watching my back for no reason other than to prove myself over and over and over again. I am not doing it again. I am not letting that happen again. I was afraid of the parallels, relieved when they didn’t emerge, troubled now by one simple statement that persists between what I thought and what may actually be.

When you expose yourself to someone else, you are allowing yourself to become vulnerable. Knowing the risks involved, I move forward and hope for the best. Basically this translates to: I trust you. I hope you feel that and trust me as well. I hope that you trust me at all.

And now I’m here. In a position I didn’t want to be in, on so many levels, with so many meanings deeper than anyone can imagine at the moment. My words hold more, you can’t always take them literally, you sometimes have to look below face value. Every question is loaded, every word is broken. It’s a code red and I’m just waiting to be vindicated.

“Some say that I will and some say I won’t
Victory is an elusive whore
She is as easily mine as she is yours…”

m1

The motion keeps my heart running.

There’s a melancholy surrounding me this morning. I can’t put my finger on it, I can’t describe it, but it’s there in my stomach. Even the music playing on my computer is like a soundtrack to my mood… soft, sad, contemplative.

Right now, my head is swimming with thoughts of too many yous. Why do I look at everything at once? When so many unrelated people, places, things converge, it becomes difficult to compartmentalize and the weight of it all can crush.

Why is he on my mind so much right now? He keeps coming up… people are talking about him without me bringing him up. I don’t mind necessarily, I wrap myself in the warm memories his name conjures but I can’t help but wonder why now. Is he trying to tell me something? It’s been almost 18 months and I still pick up the phone to call him. If there’s something I need to know, let me dream him, let me hear his voice, his warning, his love.

Replaying our most recent conversation in my head, I wonder if I came on too strong. Did it appear that I was applying pressure to an already combustible situation? That was not my intention at all. Sometimes I just get ahead of myself, sometimes when I believe in something – someone – when I believe in a situation, a feeling, the passion comes out and similar to a tidal wave, knocks me off my feet. Sometimes it’s so powerful it washes over those around me too. But I promise I won’t let you drown. I won’t let you down.

I’ve said it before: I’m constantly searching for something to believe in. Something bigger than me, bigger than I can even comprehend. Yet that’s not enough anymore. I want to be something to believe in for someone else. I want you to believe in me. In whatever capacity it is you need right now, in whatever shape or form that takes, I want to be something you can believe in.

And my heart keeps beating to the melancholy tune. Though this place is somehow comforting at the moment; a hesitant smile begins to play on my lips as I think about seeing your face and what it means, what it inspires, what it helps me to remember.

“Before I walk on fire
You gotta look me in the face.
I wanna be your witness
I want you to believe in me.”

m1

Dancing Inside

In an old city street, my skirt flows and moves around me. I hear only the drums, horns, and the loud and indistinguishable sound of a crowd lost in their own moment. I can only feel your hand leading me, hand to hand, and hand to back. We are kicking up the dust, in reflection of the pale of the yellow street lights. I have a rhythm, a movement that is so natural, hips swaying, heart singing, life abounding; I am dancing. Side to side, spinning and spinning, in your arms, in your eyes, I am looking back at you in love, in lust, in a completely thrilled life. I am breathless from our movement. Breathless, but still, the movement comes. You grab my hand, twirl me and we go Go GO!

In a language I don’t understand, louder and louder! Living on only my senses- I don’t understand- I don’t understand any of it. But from inside, deep in the gut, I am pure movement, un-tethered, un-restricted, un-refrained. Tonight, and in this movement, I am just a realization of this feeling. I am disappearing in to the music, and in the ethereal beauty of tonight.

-m2

Paper or Plastic?

Each morning, I walk just a few blocks to work. It was raining this morning, and I was carrying a paper bag. Inside the bag was nothing special, and nothing out of the ordinary. It was my lunch. I packed a yogurt and an apple. By the time I got to work, a whole was worn through in the bag and I had lost both the yogurt and the apple. Damn, I thought, how did I not notice that happen?

Life experience should have taught me to use plastic in this scenario. It’s not as if I have never seen a wilted paper bag, one that was so sodden with water that it had tears in it. I have seen it, yet I choose paper anyway. It figures.

So many experiences follow this same pattern, you know the way it goes, but you choose to make the wrong decision regardless of life lessons learned. At you get older your reservoir of knowledge and experience grows and what you know becomes clearer. Your general fountain of knowledge has a greater breadth. It is the ability to make the right decision that never seems to get any easier.

Often you will find adults repeatedly making the wrong decisions. This is how unhappy people become unhappy. It is your choice to choose the wrong thing regardless of what you know is right that lands you in poor circumstances.

Tonight, I am choosing, once again to not send out a resume. I know the positive choice would be to just send at least one out. What is the harm? It’s updated. I just need to send it. Alas, my poor judgment wins and I am deciding to go to sleep. This is just one more day that I am failing myself. My choices will hamper my happiness. I will suffer the consequence, but for some reason, I am completely immobilized.

It’s actually not just for some reason; it’s for a very distinct reason- hope. Lately, and I think this is often too common, the worse my situation gets, the less hope I have. At a time when I need to have the most hope, I find myself with none. I am sure I am not alone in my situation.

Sometimes it is as if you are sitting in the dark, in a room full of mirrors. The only thing that will reflect is more darkness. Now if you were to light just one match in this very same room, you would see that light multiplying. If your room is dark, you need to find a way to kindle your own fire, because sitting in the dark doesn’t do any one any good.

You may or may not be religious, but there is one message that I have always pulled from my spotty Catholic experience. It is the phrase, “Spread the good news.” Now this typically relates to the word of God, but for me it doesn’t have to be. I think that whomever is above would be just as happy if you would spread around your positive spirit, or your positive outlook with others in the world.

Because you never know when you are going to encounter someone stuck sitting in that dark room with no idea how to kindle their spirits. Your good news could potentially be someone’s inspiration, their light in the dark. Your happiness is a living and walking validation that there is something to be hopeful about.

So if you’ve got it, share it. If you need it, be patient. If you are going out in the rain, use plastic.

-m2

Dreaming Dark Dreams.

Fantasies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are lustful, concentrating on delving deep in to the world of new and exciting physical pleasure.  Some fantasies concentrate on thoughts of escape, whether it is disappearing to a deserted island, or a cabin in the woods. But some fantasies- some fantasies cater to the more wicked side of our personalities. On occasion some fantasies are dedicated to idea of revenge and retribution.

Today my boss was publicly making fun of me.  Her hand was over her fat mouth and her tubby body was wiggling around in a motion that really redefines what I think of when I hear -a belly laugh. Repulsive. She was laughing. Everyone was laughing with her. I was staring blankly at her fantasizing only of how I can possible make her life ache. I have recently described this job as dull tooth ache. It’s something you try to forget about, try to live with, and then out of the blue a sharp shooting pain will land you in hell. I want that dull ache in her life to have my name written ALL over it.

One of the brilliant ideas that I have come up with today involves some fish oil and her mini fridge. I was trying with all of my brain power to think of something stinky that is colorless, so that she wouldn’t be able to trace the evidence. Fish oil! God- that’s brilliant. You can buy fish oil at the health food store. It’s a popular supplement, and if you have ever took a wiff of one of those pills you would want to cry. Being that it is oil, it would be entirely too hard to fully ever clean up. Have you ever mistakenly burst a supplement that is oil based? I have and I know there is pretty much no hope of getting it off of whatever it touched. It’s the perfect plan.

Will I go through with this? Maybe not, maybe so, but one thing is for certain, my fantasies are certainly shifting form these days.

-m2

“Heaven’s just a rumor she’ll dispel, as she walks me through the nicest parts of hell.”

It’s Yours.

It’s been… not even two months. I say it to myself over and over again to remind myself that the relationship that I am so dedicated to is SO new. The relationship that I am throwing myself in to, and letting consume me has just begun. I can’t even believe it. I can’t even believed I asked him what he was looking for this soon. I wanted him to say that he’s serious. I wanted to be validated that what I have discovered here isn’t just anything, but it is it.

For the last two years, ever time I would see anything German, from bread, to bathroom fixtures, to the billboard on the side of the road that so cruelly and ironically touted my ex’s full name, I would feel so sad. I used to always think, I am not sure if I will ever be as happy with anyone as I was with him.  I wasn’t sure that I would ever meet anyone that I would be so immediately sure about. I continued to worry about this until I met A.

That first night, was so, wow.. It was the night that I became instantly drawn to him. There is something inside me that so confidently knows that he is for me. Regardless of any type of sensible thought that pops in to my head, I feel that I know. It doesn’t matter what he says, or how he acts, what he does, I am just waiting for it to all come together, for it to work out. I have no conflict. There is no conversation in my head. I am peaceful inside. I am calm. I am just waiting because (and God I am going to kick myself if I am wrong) but I think he is exactly what I am looking for.

All I can think about is how I can make him happy. Everyone always says that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So, yesterday I went out and bought $150 worth of food. Yes, I guess now is the time to start laughing at myself. I bought pancake mix, muffin mix, and cookie mix, just in case he wants baked goods. I bought ingredients for chili, pork tenderloin (which I hate) and taco kits (which I never eat). I bought different juices and ice tea, in case he wants some variety.

I want to be his home. I want him to come home to me and feel completely taken care of. I want him to know he is on my mind. I want him to see how happy he makes me, and what I could be for him. I want to open the door for him to feel what I feel, and get in to his mind so he can be saying to himself, I need to slow down because it’s only been x months.

Baby, what can I give you? Name it and it’s yours!

-m2

Entre vous et moi.

I would go to the ends of the earth to protect you.
You have become my everything
- my anything –
It’s a life I never understood
and will never be able to explain
Yet here it is, in my pocket
on my front porch
as real as the leaves turning, falling, crunching
under the feet of this woman – not a stranger –
not exactly.
With her four inch heels that make me question my memory
with her hair that looks longer and her body
that looks slimmer.
I tell her:
“We could have been doing this for four years.”
It just crosses my mind
as I watch her
as she writhes
lithe. Waiting to hear the words I am not the man to say
I am absolutely the man to say.
I wonder what she thought when she first saw me
Again.
All these years later.
Her words say one thing –
but she gives herself away.
Always gives herself away.
I take her because I can
just as much as because I want to.
She will be my number two.
I will tell her things she needs to hear
And she won’t know the rest.
My face – so serious – masking what?
I tell her it’s so easy here, so comfortable
She can’t decipher the fact
the fiction
Maybe I can’t either.
So another couple days pass.
This is the lot I’ve been handed.
It couldn’t have gone any other way.
Reflecting
Reflecting
I will wait at the ends of the earth for you.
The rest will fall into place.
You will fall into place.
Will you fall into place?

m1

Held together by gravity.

If you gave me a star, I might give it back. There is all kinds of crazy going on in my head, my dreams right now.

I see you on the street in faces that mean nothing. I call to mind conversations had with others and reflect on the ways they pertain to you. I sit with friends – physically – but my thoughts are in another time and place, a time and place where you are. My energy is wrapped up in the what comes next, if anything. I sleep early and often to try to give myself a break from the recalling, recounting, reliving, reinventing.

She sees it in my smile. She calls me out. We all know I can’t hide anything but this absolute transparency is new to me. I wonder what it means, what it means for me, what it means for you.

There is a back and forth inside me. Internally I’m battling but it doesn’t feel bad at all. Instead, it feels warm and delicious and intoxicating. A heady feeling that makes me dizzy, makes me happy. Who is this girl in my fabulous new boots? And what the hell does she want with me?

Losing the balance that I struggle to maintain, I laugh in the face of my illogical thoughts, my irrational pulses. All I want is to feel the heaven that I continue to glimpse. See? It’s crazy. It’s all crazy. I am not making sense yet I’ve never made more sense in my life. How will this reconcile itself? Maybe the answer is in the stars.

“You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I’ll ask for the sea…
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need.”

m1

Until I hear from you…

I arrived at the cafe wearing my new dress, a long red coat and black knee boots. I love dressing up for him. I opened the door and walked in and I feel his eyes on me. I love the way he looks at me. I feel so nervous when I look back in to his eyes. I drop my eyes to the floor, my hands start to get warm and I can feel my heart beating through my chest. When I kiss him hello, I am racing. Skin to skin- lost in my own person moment.

Sitting at the table, staring across the at him, I can’t even think of eating. I fake it, but really, I am much too excited. I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. I am so nervous, I have my hand under the table playing with the top of my boot, using the same repetitive motion to calm me down. He pours me a glass of red wine, and I start to unwind. I can’t help but to study his every movement, his every feature on his beautiful face. For a moment I loose track of what he is saying and I hope that he doesn’t notice that I am dreaming about him right in front of him.

It’s too much like a dream come true, were that dream to keep living on. But dreams in their misty existence are fleeting and fading. In the moments of transparency I almost feel like I can touch them, can hold them, but in a blink of an eye you are gone. You are just out of my reach, where you have carefully positioned yourself. Untouchable, you take me to heaven, and then leave me sinking in your absence. It builds up inside me, so frustrated and red in the face. I am shutting you out, considering you lost, and forgotten. I am erasing all of your messages, and deleting your number from my phone, until I hear from you baby, you are as good as gone.

Until I hear from you…

-m2

“Here I am again humming your tune, here I am again just waiting around, wishing I wasn’t missing you”