Where’s the Forest?

I am moving at the end of the week, and all of my belongings are in boxes, save a few choice pieces of clothing for the week. So, when I woke up this morning it wasn’t really all that difficult to decide what to wear. I could only choose one of five outfits. I still felt like I wanted to make the choice, but it wasn’t nearly as big of a choice as it is when all of my clothing is tightly packed in to my closet. When the closet is tightly packed I can’t see what I am looking at. I often forget about what options I have and I end up wearing the same outfits all of the time.

A once told me that I am short-sighted. Honestly, he wasn’t terribly intuitive so I am hesitant to take his point of view to heart, but some part of me agrees. When my closet is too full, I can’t see my options, but when my closet is empty I am able to focus on some key choices. When I was with A, all I could think about was being with him, and that was easier because it’s to complicated and complex to think about all of the options are out there. Maybe none of the key choices are right, even if they are the most evident. I find too often that what I indulge in is often what is right in front of me. Even if it might not be what I want, it’s easier to wrap my mind around. Smaller amounts of choices make the deciding process so much easier.

However, I would prefer not to choose easier over something that is more satisfying. I guess I just never noticed I did this until this weekend. I went out with my friend this weekend, newly single and just not giving an f. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, because the last little encounter was enough of a headache to teach me a lesson. I met a nice guy, a seemingly perfect fit for me- J. He is a super cute, really intellectual/successful guy, with his head on straight. There is seemingly nothing wrong with him, and he appears to have everything going for him. We exchanged numbers. I texted him the next day, and then I thought to myself, “So?”

So what? He might be a great guy, but so what? I am a great girl, and there are plenty of people out there. Maybe I don’t need to be so eager. It’s easy to consider him because he’s right there, but so what? I have a whole closet of clothing, and I only wear a few pairs of pants and a few sweaters. Maybe its just time to start to get in to the habit of looking. Maybe I should survey the land, look past the trees, and try to figure out how to get a glimpse of the whole forest.

-m2

Consideration/Revelation.

We all make decisions. Every single day, we make countless decisions, some mindless, some monumental. Some life or death.

I wrote a poem years ago, during an altercation with my now-husband, and one line always pops in my head when faced with a decision I’m not sure I want to make: “I paid a dollar for a paper towel and advice: don’t make any decisions tonight.” Perhaps I’m in that place again. My therapist tells me that we’re not always ready to make decisions. Sometimes we like to just float. He tells me that’s okay, so I’m going with it.

People argue with me all the time about this but I’ve never believed in free will. I believe that everything in life is pre-determined by some higher power, and that no matter how long we contemplate the pink shirt or the blue shirt, that choice has already been made. We just go through the motions on the course that’s already been set.

So in that case, just make a decision already. I know I’m contradicting the whole it’s okay to float philosophy but seriously. Some decisions do not need to be dragged out for months.

This hit me smack in the face the other night, as husband and I began our 783rd conversation about which car we should get. It’s my car, I hate that I even got him involved in the first place, but alas, I did.

And as he brought it up yet again, after I’d already said my peace at least a dozen times, and he started to ask me to tell him one more time what I wanted, I realized that this decision was taking exponentially longer than the biggest decision of my life. When the decision of what car to buy takes 10 times as long as the decision of whether to keep your father alive or let him die, it is time to walk the fuck away from that decision-making process.

It’s not that I advocate snap decisions, I don’t. Some things should be thought out, weighed, examined closely. But I will check out. When it drags, I will lose interest. It will get beaten out of me every extra minute it hangs in the balance. Someone, somewhere already knows what we’re going to choose anyway. It’s not like it’s a matter of life or death.

“Time to change has come and gone
Watched your fears become your god
It’s your decision…”

m1

Bells Ringing Out in the Street

Last night I was catching up on one of my favorite shows,  Grey’s Anatomy. Don’t laugh, aside from the fact that everyone is sleeping with everyone on that show, there is actually some thoughtful narration. The title of the most recent show was called, “Blink”. The show starts with the narrator explaining how most of us think that the really important decisions that we make in our lives take time, or happen gradually but in reality they happen in a blink of the eye.

Yesterday when I was driving back from my family’s house, sitting in traffic, I picked up my phone and ended my relationship with A. Just like that, it was over. Just like that, I was free. Just like that, everything hat I have been torturing myself with over the past months was in the past. If I hadn’t made that decision in that moment, God knows how long it would have gone on. These quick, instinctual decisions are what define us. They are the decisions that carve out our path in life, make us who we are, who we will be, and decide the quality of life we will live.

The most shocking part of this? I don’t feel sad. Maybe I felt sad long enough, maybe it was ending for a really long time before it did officially. Maybe deep down inside I knew it wasn’t good for me. Who knows? All I am left to think is, I really don’t like him. Isn’t that interesting? What was I doing then?

The most important lesson that I learned is that you can’t decide who will be important in your future. You can value people in your life, respect them, take care of them, enjoy them, but you can’t decide that they will be the one. You can’t decide that they will be some super special, memorable influence. It doesn’t matter how much you invest, people you meet are who they are. They are the ones who will determine what they want to be in your life, how much they want to give, how close they want to get, how long they will be around, and ultimately if they have it in them to give of themselves. This is not something you can convince someone to do. The only thing that you can do is to be open to the possibility, and to recognize the reality of the situation. You must approach each new relationship with an open heart but also with open eyes.

-m2

“Now I’m not saying only bad news comes
For the people who want it
But you gotta play that music for who’s listening
You got to have someone you wanna sing it to
Oh, what a beautiful thing when you sing
Hear all them bells ringing out in the street
Blue sky cracking and it makes me believe”

I tried all night not to break down and cry.

It’s funny, but somehow tonight over cocktails, the conversation turned to Russian history. And yes, I was in it. I mean, I don’t even know which party is right-wing and which is left (honestly, sadly, that is a true story), but somehow, I was able to carry a conversation about Russian history – Stalin, Lenin – and it’s really because it all boils down to one thing.

Yep, we realized tonight (albeit a bit hazily) that every oppressor in history – the two aforementioned, Hitler, Charles Manson, David Koresh – every fake god, has the same thing in common: followers who have believed in them. These men weren’t strong, these men weren’t intelligent. In fact, they were probably the opposite. Weak, insecure, pathetic. But they did it; they convinced masses of people to believe their teachings. To hear their words, to swallow them, to follow them. Why?

God damn, it’s so simple. I’ve said it 100 times on this blog alone.

We are all looking for something to believe in. It’s all we want. As humans – fragile, breakable humans – we cling to a belief, a hope, a god in whatever clothing he – she – appears in. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what escapes their lips. It’s enough. It’s all we need.

And this, I believe, is why these people now line the walls of the Museum of Crime & Punishment that I took my little cousins to last winter. Someone wakes up and says – wow, I am so so despondent about who I am. Maybe I should convince hundreds of innocent people to drink some cyanide-laced kool-aid. And wow. I’ll make it into a history book because that will be more interesting to read than anything I can remember learning. Done. What a lovely fucking Tuesday.

I’m still looking for something to believe in. I search for it every single day. But I guess I have to take some small comfort in this: I’m strong enough to know what I don’t want to believe in. I’m strong enough to keep searching. I’m fragile, I’m broken, but I hate the taste of kool-aid.

“Call me crazy, call me a masochist
But I’d rather have you in my mind than completely out of sight
So I’ll just go on dreaming for the rest of my life.”

m1

You shouldn’t have told me.

It’s now officially official. They all come back.

I have said this for years. It started as a way to comfort ourselves after break-ups, dissolutions of relationships we thought were soooo important. But then, the craziest thing happened. It started to become true. They came back. They always came back.

And now it’s happened. Now you’re logging onto gchat long after you should be there to see if I’ve written you back. You tell me you are having problems with the “wifey.” You are thanking me for doing more for you than anyone in your recent past has: “I mean, you’ve gone above and beyond, more than just any old friend I haven’t seen in years.”

Well. You aren’t just any old friend.

Sure, you dumped me for a girl nicknamed “Slug.” Sure, you dumped me three, maybe four, maybe five times. Yes, I spent four hours in the backseat of my grandparents’ car crying about you, so much that my family has dubbed you “THE j.” And, maybe, I stopped eating white bread because of you. Because when you dumped me for the first time, I climbed on the counter of our nicest townhouse, clutching a dull steak knife in my hand, and ate a loaf – uh-huh, a loaf – of white bread before slicing 21 times into my right thigh for you.

But now, you’re back. It only took 16 years, but that seems to be a nice round number these days. Everyone is coming back after 16 years. But you…You. Well. I don’t know what to do about you.

Because really, at the end of the day, you mean nothing to me. You aren’t who I remember. I am not sure how to manage this version of you. I do believe you need me now. So I will be there for that. I will take some small enjoyment in that. It will send me back…

Send me back to a cold, cold gymnasium in an empty church hall. So many of our encounters were there. You liked me, you didn’t like me, you kissed me, you kissed someone else. I stood on a balcony watching you, for hours, I walked away, I took a knife, I sliced once, twice, three… god, how many times did I slice into my leg for you?

So now you’re back, the j. You’re back. I haven’t eaten white bread in a decade. There’s blood on the table. You want back in? Do you? Welcome, the j, welcome.

Now it’s your turn to fight to float. It’s your turn.

“And though I used to wonder why -
I used to cry till I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside
Oh, Joey, if you’re hurting so am I.”

m1

The Crossing

I read yesterday that one of the most important ways that we can become independent, happy people is to become the source of our own security. This article was asking us to look at our lives objectively and to determine what objects/people/ situations we were keeping around or maintaining just because it makes us feel secure. It said that each one of us needs to have the confidence to be. You just need to believe in your ability to determine your own course. You have to take owndership of your choices and recognize that things just don’t happen to you but you actively choose your life. Everyday you are choosing to be who you are in your life.

It makes sense. I understand. I can really relate to this. It’s what I have been thinking the whole time. The time frame I am talking about is the moment I realized that my relationship needed to end until now. The time frame in which I am inextricably stalling. I have made up my mind a few times, but when it comes to actually saying the words, meaning it, and following through I just cave. I haven’t found the security in my decisions. I need to learn to trust my instinct. I think this lack of trust in myself is the young and immature part of my personality.

The rationale in my mind is well if I love him why would I leave? In a perfect world this would be good logic. Unfortunately there are so many potential reasons why you might need to leave a loved one. I know what mine are. I have recognized them both to myself and to him. He knows them. We’ve discussed them. So now all I have to do is make my move. I am feeling guilty because I am claiming responsibility for my decisions. I know I am choosing this situation, for the last few months. It’s all on me.

I think the hardest part is knowing what to trust in yourself, your heart or your head. Although, something tells me they should agree. My heart still believes that he can turn this around if he really feels it. My heart hears him talking about our future and believes it could be possible. My head tells me it could be possible but it probably won’t be. My head hears what he is saying out loud to my face. My head recognizes the nature of this relationship. My head sees a dead end. Back and forth, back and forth, and so it goes.

But for how long? I spent some time trying to think about what makes me feel secure, and what makes me feel insecure. The interesting part is that on the surface it appears that he gives me what I need, the company, the passion, the fun, but when I really dig deeper this relationship makes me more insecure than anything else. It is the source of my constant worry and often makes me sad because I am always thinking about it ending. I have to constantly hear him tell me that he is leaving me, as if we are breaking up over and over and over.

So when will my heart give up and let my head win? My guess is won’t. Looking back, it hasn’t. I have had to really pull the strength from inside myself to decide to leave regardless of my feelings. I find the hardest part is just saying the words. Getting the words out of your mouth is torture but after they are out you can’t turn back. You have made your decision, set your course. That is truly the moment when you feel that you have tapped in to your own personal security. It is knowing that you can. You can make the hard decisions in life and you will be okay. You can take care of your life and make it what you want. Its confronting your self-doubt and telling yourself – yes you can.

-m2

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.”

Cut my life into pieces.

Life is a 10,000 piece puzzle. From the day we are born, we are building this puzzle, fitting each piece into the next, slowly but surely creating the picture on the box.

We spend our lives weaving the tapestry that will be used after we’re gone to describe us, preserve us. All of the pieces of the whole – the small ones, the oddly shaped ones, the huge ones – no matter how they are cut, these pieces will not remain. What will be left of us is the big picture, the overall depiction, the story that has been woven together as a result of all the pieces.

Then why do we waste so much precious time and energy on the little pieces?

And what about the pieces that we don’t even really need? Imagine a puzzle so big it covers more than just a portion of a coffee table. If a tiny piece or two are missing, does that really affect the whole? Won’t an observer still know what they are looking at, what the image really is?

So maybe I have to start remembering the big picture. My goal is to create a tapestry that I am proud to leave behind. If I lose a piece or two along the way, I have to refocus and remind myself: that piece wasn’t essential. Sure every piece contributes, but when all is said and done, it will still be clear. It will still be me.

m1

It’s Resonates.

I have been listening to a really interesting series of podcasts lately when I am doing my design work/updates. There is something really satisfying about listening to what someone else is thinking at this juncture in my life and what I have heard has really been inspiring to me. One of the podcasts was focused on this really interesting woman who was discussing how she and her husband have managed to strengthen their relationship by engaging in joint projects, business start-ups. She told the story how her and her husband had let the spark in their relationship fizzle and she blamed this situation on the lack of passion in their relationship but also on their lack of passion in their own personal lives. She said that they had hit a point where neither one of them was getting what they wanted in their relationship and they weren’t able to connect. What brought them together was identifying their goals both individually and as a couple.

She was explaining that when she was going through this rough time she went to a conference that was geared toward identifying what you are passionate about, tapping in to that inner strength and identifying what holds you back. One of the aspects of this conference that she was discussing was the ability to identify what you want, where you are going, and to have a vision for it. She was saying that she knew she was able to do what it takes to reach her goals, but with out a specific goal in mind it was hard for her to be proactive. So once she determined what it was that she thought would make her happy, it was just that much easier to start to plan the course. Now she and her husband have started up a successful pod casting business, where she empowers those who aren’t so tech savvy with the tools and information necessary to get started.

I think this is a wonderful example for me and it couldn’t come at a better time. With the advent of the new year and a new allotment of free time alone I think it’s time for me to start to map out my course. M1 has been providing me with simple answers lately. I say I wish this or that would happen, and she says, “ask for it”. Why hadn’t I thought of that? That IS how communication works. Why hadn’t I asked before? I think that it might be because I wasn’t entirely sure what it is that I wanted. I am going to spend some time this weekend sitting still, and really trying to map out what it is that I am looking for, what would make me happy.

It’s time.

-m2

“You gotta live it every day.”

Thanks a bunch.. hugs and kisses, love m2

Awake- its how I spent that last few nights of this week. Awake and it’s no wonder. I am so angry that my tensed up body can’t even relax enough to let my shoulders sink in to the bed, to let my eyes blink, to move, to swallow. I am angry and awake until I loose my energy and fall asleep, only to wake in the same place I left off. I am a fool in my own life. I lay in bed, my spirit lay dormant in this worn out vestal. I am so empty inside. I am exhausted, out of ideas, and low on hope.

On Sunday, I came with a peace offering, a way out for both of us to cut our losses and make a peaceful exit. When he started to cry and asked me to stay, I really thought he was sincere. I really did. He told me how much he loved me. God, that means so many different things to different people. He told me how much he wanted to be with me. He said, “just dont’ let it end now” and so I didn’t. Just a few short days later he tells me he is leaving me again and I thought that I might loose my mind. I could feel the blood rushing to my face, and then there was the radio silence that is so familiar to me. It’s blanket, uncontrollable anger, with no outlet. He kisses me, I cry, he goes to sleep, and I leave, slamming the door nice and loud behind me. As I was leaving I was thinking, you know-nothing puts me to sleep like my loved ones crying their eyes out. Yea- no – not really. What. The. Fuck. That’s honestly not how I thought this relationship would conclude.

It’s a life lesson. You shouldn’t put yourself on the line for someone you don’t know. It’s a personal lesson to me, don’t jump in to things so fast. I am passionate about everything I do in life. I am impulsive in almost all of my life decisions, and I am committed once I decide. I decide based on what I feel, sometimes with out pausing to collect all of the information. My mom has always told me, “M2, take it slow”. I had a feeling there was a reason she was saying it to me, but with every lesson I have to realize the truth on my own. I realize if I had taken it slow I wouldn’t have gotten burned so bad. I really have no one left to blame but myself and I have been. Each day I grow more regretful. I know I have to let it go but I just really feel like I didn’t use my judgment. I feel like I should have seen what was coming. I shouldn’t have believed what he was saying to me. I should have seen through it. I shouldn’t have had such relentless hope, not this time.

I also blame him and I am just so disappointed and disheartened. How could he do this to me? How can he disregard me and treat me like this? After all that I have given him both emotionally and literally, I am disgusted. I am literally questioning humanity. This situation is horrible. Our relationship is horrible. I can’t stand talking about it. I can’t stand living it. I can’t stand leaving it. I can’t stand staying in it. I can’t stand knowing that once I finally say my goodbyes we are just four short block and one ugly coincidence away from running in to each other. I am one wrong block away from looking in the face of my own personal bad judgment and deep emotional regret.

I just wish he could feel it, what I am feeling right now. That would be punishment enough. Then and only then, I might be able to get some sleep.

-m2

The Crossroads.

I’m not sure why it feels like I have nothing to say. My mind is overflowing and yet no words are forming. It could be that I don’t want to acknowledge all the thoughts that are overwhelming me. To acknowledge them makes them real, so it’s safer to ignore their existence altogether.

Maybe I don’t want to talk about me. But if not me, who then? I’m trying to think of a story, a memory, something that can help me tie this all up in a bow and store it neatly on a shelf in my heart’s closet, yet nothing comes. What could that mean? I wonder: have I lost my voice.

And I’ll post this, regardless of the fact that it says nothing, means nothing. I’ll post this because it’s been too damn long since I posted something.

Then I’ll sit back and reflect. I know what I’m doing. I know myself very very well. This is what I do. I can talk the little things to death. I can talk them, let them simmer on my tongue, softly swirl them between my cheeks, chew them tenderly, suck on them, let them marinate there, swallow them timidly, knowing without a doubt I’ll never be satiated, knowing I’ll need a second, third, fourth helping before I’m full. But the big things? The big things are a whole nother story.

So if I’m honest, that’s what my silence is about. I haven’t lost my voice, I’ve just quieted it for the time being. I need to conserve it, all of it, because I will need all of my energy to navigate this one. It’s big, and it’s only going to get bigger.

“Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell.”

m1